How not to Flirt: A Practical Guide
by crescent dusk
Summary: Step 1: get his attention by stripping. Step 2: get him to bust out the handcuffs. Step 3: try a horrible pick-up line. Step 4: this is the end of the free preview. Please click to continue learning how to catch a Xiao Jinyan. Disclaimer: these tricks are only guaranteed to work for Lin Shu.


Christmas present for Daedreamer. If the characters are OOC, my apologies; I haven't read much in the fandom and I was thinking of my OTP, Wolfstar, the whole time so...But anyway, I now present _How not to Flirt_...

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When Nihuang was little, her mother would tell her that one day a gorgeous prince would run after her and sweep her off her feet. Lin Shu liked the sound of that, but he never quite understood why everyone would laugh at him for asking when his prince was going to show up. It took the adults some time to realize that they could only partly attribute the question to childish ignorance. A couple of decades later, though, Nihuang was now the one reassuring her wide-eyed bridesmaids as they sat around a circle at her bachelorette party, one week from her elaborate Christmas wedding that would end on a ship in the Boston harbor with fireworks at midnight. They were currently going around the circle as each girl asked when _her_ prince would come and what he would look like and if they would be as happy together as Nihuang and Nie Duo.

"Ooh, and when will my prince come?" Lin Shu batted his eyelashes and imitated the cooing voices of the last few girls who had asked. The girls laughed, but the bride-to-be rolled her eyes at his umpteempth attempt at being an insufferable prat. He only smirked; he had agreed to come to her party because one, he _was_ her gay best friend, after all, and two, he was hoping there would be a hot male stripper. But she had vehemently refused to hire any eye candy, and it seemed that some of her friends were too dense to realize that the more cleavage they flashed him, the more thankful he was to be gay. If he had to sit through an evening of inane girl chatter without any attractive males in sight, he would at least amuse himself at her friends' expense.

"I don't know, Xiao Shu. With all the cake you'll be eating next week, you might be too heavy to be swept off your feet," Nihuang said.

Lin Shu smiled, but the words seemed to strike him in the chest and he felt a budding soreness in the hollow of his ribcage. He was tired of waiting. He just wanted to fall in love, damn it. Scratch that-he had experienced multiple crushes during his two-and-a-half decades of existence. The problem was that nothing ever seemed to happen. He thought he might even be happy to just be kissed once in his life.

"I didn't mean it that way," Nihuang hastened. "Don't take it to heart; you'll find the one for you."

"Even if I do happen to pass by the one on the street one day, that doesn't mean we'll automatically have a happily ever after," he said. Flinching at the bitterness in his voice, he hurried, "Talking is boring. Who's up for truth or dare?" It was a horrid game, but he found that at that moment, he craved insanity.

"Alright, truth or dare?" the girl to his right asked.

"Dare," he said.

"I know some of us wanted to watch an attractive male strip tonight," she said, grinning. Lin Shu groaned, wondering how he could have imagined that playing truth or dare with a bunch of gormless birds could ever be a good idea.

"I dare you...to go outside, strip, and run around the block naked," she said.

Lin Shu looked out the window. The first real snow had fallen just a few hours ago, blanketing the city in soft, white Christmas. A few people sat in the cafe across the street, but otherwise, no one was out on this dark, cold night, and a stroll through the winter wonderland would sound rather poetic-almost romantic-under different circumstances.

"Let's say you're allowed three chickens-"

Lin Shu cut Nihuang off by downing a shot out of the nearest bottle and standing up. "Enjoy the view, ladies," he said with a wink. The girls blushed and giggled as they grabbed their coats and clustered outside. Lin Shu trudged through the snow to stand in the middle of the slushy road. A man sitting at the window of the cafe looked up and they made eye contact for a split second before his gaze dropped to Lin Shu's bare feet and travelled up to his thin dress shirt. He raised an eyebrow-quite elegantly arched, Lin Shu thought-and Lin Shu in turn took in the man's strong jawline and defined cheekbones before dropping him a wink. The man leaned back in his barstool with the shadow of a smirk playing at the corner of his lips. With the fire of alcohol and insanity singing in his blood, Lin Shu worked down the buttons of his shirt, his fingertips cold against the burning skin of his collarbone, chest, abs. The man's gaze bored into his as he let the shirt drop silently to the ground, and then began to unbutton his trousers and unzip the fly, slowly, the sound filling the air along with the thrumming of his pulse.

"It's not much of a show if we can't see anything," someone called out from behind. Lin Shu started, having forgotten just why he was stripping in the middle of the street on a cold December night. He gave his voyeur one last smirk before he turned towards the house. Some of the girls squealed and hid their faces in their hands, while others checked him out unabashedly. He swayed his hips as he hooked his thumbs in the waistline of his pants and slid them down, taking care to slide his hands over his arse and the back of his thighs. All that was left were his boxers, silk rippling against his skin as a breeze whispered past. The back of his neck burned and a hot tingle spread through his being, an exhilarating mixture of alcohol and risk and just a bit of arousal, coupled with the cold burn of the snow and the frosty air that only heightened the feeling of _aliveness_.

Somewhat glad he had turned around, he dipped his fingers inside the waistband of his boxers and let them join his other clothes on the ground.

The girl who had dared him whistled. "Now run around the block," she said.

Lin Shu found himself looking over his shoulder and was disappointed to see that the seat by the window was empty. He shrugged and, now acutely aware of the cold, set off down the street at a fast clip. Just as he rounded the second corner, someone shouted at him to stop. The voice came from somewhere behind him, but it seemed distant in his state of surreal intoxication and physical sensation. He sped up, determined not to lose a dare, and was faintly aware of pounding footsteps behind him.

"Stop!" The voice was suddenly close and Lin Shu spun around just as he was swept off his feet and tackled to the snowy ground.

"I was trying to forget about you, but then I saw you again just now and couldn't ignore it any longer," said a husky voice in his ear. Lin Shu panted and blinked a few times before registering that he was lying on the ground beneath a strong, warm body. He looked up into his pursuer's dark brown eyes and felt a thrill run down his spine as he recognized the man in the coffee shop. His gaze traced the man's straight nose down to his full, slightly parted lips, and he watched in a daze as the man stood and helped him up. Large, warm hands circled his wrists, took his hands that were still shaking with excitement-and were promptly replaced by cold, hard metal.

The handcuffs trapped his wrists with a snap.

"You're under arrest for misdemeanor," the man said, tone cold and indifferent.

And Lin Shu wondered how he had missed the police uniform. He supposed this was what it meant to lose yourself in someone's eyes.

Jinsujinsujinsu

"Are you sick? You're still sober." Yu Jin leaned his back against the bar counter beside Lin Shu's seat.

"Not sick, just broke."

" _Heart_ broken?" his friend teased.

"Yes, those three hundred dollars left a gaping hole in my heart," Lin Shu said.

"Oh, you poor soul. Perhaps this will cheer you up." A glass full of a suspiciously colorful liquid slammed down on the bar counter in front of Lin Shu.

Lin Shu narrowed his eyes. "Thanks…" he drew out. "Was there something in your drink?"

Yu Jin rolled his eyes. "No, some guy bought it for you."

Lin Shu sat up straight.

"Think he's over there," Yu Jin said, jerking his chin towards the dance floor. On one side the other guests at Nie Duo's bachelor party were gyrating to the booming Christmas-themed pop songs, while on the other was a group of poshly dressed men and women sipping margaritas and politely chatting. Following Yu Jin's gaze, Lin Shu glimpsed a man with his back to him, silk shirt rippling under the flashing lights as he shifted to hint at the lean muscles underneath. Lin Shu's gaze fell to the man's arse, nicely hugged by tight, dark jeans. He smirked as he made his way over; this wasn't the sort of place he'd expect to meet _the one_ or get his first kiss, but a bit of flirting never hurt. That thought dampened his excitement; why exactly did his attempts at flirting never go anywhere? He was hot, but perhaps he was just too subtle. Ready to test out this hypothesis, Lin Shu turned the flash on his phone and snapped a photo at the man's back with one hand while balancing his drink in the other. The man spun around at the light and Lin Shu smiled.

"Just wanted to have proof that I saw the hottest arse in Boston tonight," he said. It was just as the line left his mouth that he fully registered the face staring at him. Dark eyes, strong jawline, high cheekbones. Attractive-but as Lin Shu recognized the police officer who had watched his stripshow and then arrested him just a few nights ago, the glass in his hand dropped to the ground and splattered the man's jeans with alcohol.

"Oh my god-I'm so-"

"If you wanted my pants off that badly, you could have just asked, you know."

Lin Shu gaped for a second, and then realized he was actually being hit on and damn, the guy was hot and why couldn't he remember any of his cool, confident flirting techniques when he needed them? But it seemed he didn't need to, because he found himself being led away from the dance floor towards the restroom.

A shot of whiskey burst through his chest as he registered that a hot guy was interested in him _that way_ and he was in all probability going to get his first kiss and possibly more in a matter of minutes-

"Wait, I've never actually done this before," he blurted. He wished he hadn't as the man turned and quirked an eyebrow at him.

"I was just going to dry myself off," he said. "What were you thinking?" he asked with a smirk. Lin Shu's heart pounded with embarrassment and arousal. Screw inexperience, he decided-it was time to follow his gut.

"I was thinking…" Lin Shu pushed the man's back against the wall and leaned in so there foreheads touched. "Maybe you'd like some help with that, officer."

The man's eyes darkened as his pupils grew and Lin Shu thought perhaps lust-hazed brown would be his favorite color from now on.

"I'd like that." The man snaked his arms around Lin Shu, one hand slipping under his shirt up the burning skin of his back and the other pushing against his arse so that his hips tilted forward and their half-hard cocks rubbed together through their pants. Lin Shu moaned at the novel sensation and he threaded his fingers through the man's soft black hair.

"Do I get to know your name?" he murmured.

The man stilled and their gazes locked.

"I'm sorry, I guess it doesn't-"

The man closed the gap between them and pressed his lips to Lin Shu's. It was just a quick press to shut him up, but just like that, Lin Shu got what he had craved for so long, only to realize he wanted so much more.

"I forgot I had an untouched maiden on my hands," the man smirked. "Xiao-"

A gunshot rang through the air. They froze. Then, as the screaming and running began, the man-Mr. Xiao-darted down the corridor to the main floor and then out into the night after his colleagues, leaving Lin Shu hard, breathless, and furious.

By the time Lin Shu recovered his breath and rushed towards the sound of sirens and frenzied chatter, there was too large a crowd surrounding the smoke shop next door for him to see what was going on. From the various accounts of the bachelor party, there had been a hold up and the police were still after the culprit, who had made off with several grand. Lin Shu didn't really care about the details; what mattered to him was that a certain officer would be chasing a criminal all night and not, therefore, taking his virginity.

Sujinsujinsujin

The next two days passed in a blur for Jinyan, who spent the day trying to arrest the criminal and the nights dreaming about the man he had arrested under very different circumstances. Hs mind drifted to the toned chest, long legs, damn fine arse...and that was how once again, Jinyan found himself, instead of letting the hot water soothe his tired muscles after a long day, imagining Lin Shu's hands running over his shoulders, his back, his legs, replacing fatigue with desire. As he slid his hand up and down his length, he thought back to the man's teasing strip show in the middle of the street, which he forced himself to flee before he lost control and fucked a stranger on his coffee break. It was a miracle he didn't come just from having the naked man under him, and the first thing he did once they got back to the station was shove him into the bathroom with the first set of clothing he could grab.

But as he squeezed the base of his cock, trying to make this delicious torture last longer, his thoughts turned to things other than the man's gorgeous physique. They had spent about two hours together in total and the man never stopped surprising him, first with the insane way they met and then with the shockingly bold flirting at the bar that made Jinyan harder than simple words should have the power to. But then he was a _virgin_ and it scared Jinyan a bit that he wanted the man anyway and that as his thighs trembled and hot cum covered his hand and the world shattered a bit for just a moment, it was not Lin Shu's cock or his arse or even his soft, warm lips that Jinyan thought about, but rather the crinkled corners of his eyes as he smiled and the cocky confidence he seemed to exude.

It was 10:32 when he stepped out of the shower, warm, sated, and ready to go to bed. Just as he was pulling the curtains closed, his cellphone went off. Jinyan cursed as he recognized his work phone's ringtone.

"We have reason to believe the criminal is planning to stowaway on a ship leaving from the harbor in fifteen minutes," Zhanying said.

Jinyan threw on his uniform and grabbed the car keys.

Jinsujinsujinsu

"So it's three in the morning and Nie Duo here is just pissed-" Lin Shu paused as laughter erupted in the ship's dining room, where he was keeping everyone entertained while the ship prepared for departure. "Yeah, so he's just pissed out of his mind and I'm lugging him home because it's _really_ not a good idea to be drunk and rich in that neighborhood at night, and all of a sudden we hear these police sirens-"

"Wait, do you hear that?" Yujin murmured to the other groomsmen.

"Sounds a bit like police sirens," someone responded.

"Yeah, so we hear these police sirens-"

And then there was no denying the wail of sirens very close, very loud, and getting closer and louder by the second.

The wedding party and ship crew rushed to the door as footsteps pounded up the staircase outside rising from the dock up to the passenger entrance of the ship. Lin Shu got to the door first and opened it to come face to face with none other than "Officer Xiao." The two men froze, Lin Shu barely aware of the wind whistling in from outside and Jinyan rapidly heating up at the sight of the star of his fantasies.

"Hey, it's you guys again," Yujin said as both parties recognized each other from the bar.

Suddenly, Jinyan caught sight of a man stealing away behind a pillar.

"Freeze!" He dashed forward, colleagues at his back.

The man took off and Jinyan and a few other officers pursued. Others stayed behind and explained the situation, ushering the guests out and gathering them for further investigation in relative safety.

As Lin Shu himself descended the steps with Nie Duo and his shaking bride, he marvelled at how surreal this all was; it was unbelievable, it was fate, it was the stuff of romantic stories. But the reason that no matter how hard he flirted or how perfectly things fell together, he still had not been kissed, aside from that little peck, was that he was only a real person and thus could only stand on the dock watching, while in a romantic story he would be up there taking down the criminal and earning his love's eternal gratitude and adoration.

A gunshot rang out over the harbor. The murmurs and hysterical chatter fell silent as all eyes turned to the ship. Lin Shu's heart pounded, not fast, just hard in slow, deliberate beats, each one reverberating through his ribs nauseatingly, like the toll of bells-and not the wedding kind.

A figure ran onto the top deck of the ship and jumped, a black silhouette against the full moon as it fell through the air and landed with a splash somewhere in the dark waters. A moment later another followed.

"We need a boat!" an officer called. A moment later, two lifeboats slipped into the water and a few policemen climbed in.

Lin Shu stood at the edge of the dock, a boat just a foot away, and the man who had taken his first kiss somewhere in the dark waters. It was now or never.

"Wait!"

Before anyone could react, Lin Shu leapt, rocking the boat precariously and squashing an officer's foot.

"Sir, you can't-"

"Shut up, we need to save Jinyan first," the other three officers interrupted.

Lin Shu smirked before shifting off his foot and the boats set off towards where the two had fallen. So his name was Xiao Jinyan. Lin Shu finally knew his name, only to be left wondering if the man was even alive.

A head emerged from the water a few feet away and Lin Shu broke into an uncontrollable grin as he recognized the man-Jinyan-gasping for breath and supporting the criminal's limp form.

"Jinyan!" The boats sped towards him, the other one just ahead.

"He's unconscious," Jinyan panted as his coworkers hauled the culprit onto their boat. Jinyan then propped his elbows onto the edge of the boat Lin Shu was in, taking a moment to catch his breath before climbing all the way in. Instead, his breath caught when he saw Lin Shu.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

Lin Shu stared at him, temporarily speechless as he took in Jinyan's flushed cheeks and wet skin by the moonlight.

"Xiao Shu, catch!" yelled a voice from the dock.

He spun around just in time for a bundle to hit him in the face. He caught it as it tumbled down and laughed as he recognized Nihuang's bouquet.

Lin Shu turned back to face Jinyan and shifted to the edge of the boat near him. "I suppose I should get working on this," he began. Jinyan's eyes widened as Lin Shu hurried on, "Wanna grab a coffee this weekend? I know a shop across the street my friend's house."

The next thing he knew, a pair of strong hands gripped his shoulders and he fell with a splash into the freezing water.

"Fuck, yes," Jinyan breathed, and then he pulled them both under the water and their lips met in a wet and hungry kiss. And as Lin Shu felt Jinyan's tongue slip into his mouth, he was sure he heard fireworks go off somewhere overhead. Finally, he thought, he had found someone to sweep him off his feet not once, but twice over the course of three meetings.

The end.

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Hope you liked it and Merry Christmas!


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